


Selfish

by Zannolin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, I said FUCK SEASON 8 END LIVES, I'm not gonna tag the other characters here because they aren't main and they're barely there so, M/M, allura deserves better anyways???, first off let me say THE CHARACTER DEATH IS TEMPORARY SORT OF IT KINDA DOESNT HAPPEN BUT IT DOES, grace if you're reading this yes this is the fic i promised you in 2018, i found this from two years ago and quarantine means I finished it woo, if you're confused good so am I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23209792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zannolin/pseuds/Zannolin
Summary: “It’s been an honor flying with you,” he says, recalling the words he said so long ago. The first time he had thought, with certainty,this is the end.(But oh, it was only the beginning, wasn’t it? Maybe this will be his beginning, too.)And then he turns and walks into the light.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 40





	Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> My poor BNHA readers have gotta be confused as to why I'm posting a bunch of VLD fic all of a sudden, but I'm trying to let myself love the series again and I needed a break from all the BNHA projects I'm working on. (I have the next chapter of TLaS in the works, as well as something I started over spring break!) The whole quarantine situation is really getting to me some days (my uni emailed us during spring break and told us to stay home; we've switched to online classes and my family is driving me INSANE) so this was a nice respite, revisiting some good old Voltron feels. Don't mind me, this was my spiritual healing post-season eight and the fallout and fandom collapse. Anyways, I hope you enjoy.

After over a year spent fighting the Galra by Allura’s side — actually, more than that, both for him and for Earth — Keith has come to realize just how very well he knows her.

He and the Altean princess are actually more similar than anyone would have initially guessed. Their like minds make it easy for Keith to figure out just what Allura might be thinking at any given time.

Like right now, for instance.

Even before Allura offers to go with Honerva, he realizes. He _knows._

“I can reconfigure the quintessence in your ship—” she’s saying, but Keith only has eyes for Lance. He knows how close they are. Everyone does. The dawning fear and realization in the Cuban boy’s blue eyes is enough to make Keith’s decision before he even realizes there is a decision to make.

He has lost enough people to know that it’s something he doesn’t want Lance to have to go through. Losing someone is harder than any battle they’ve fought against the Galra. Especially if it’s someone who you’re in love with — his brush with the mere possibility of that on Arus, when they nearly lost both the Castle and Lance only reinforces Keith’s conviction.

“No,” he says firmly, stepping forward.

Allura stops talking abruptly. Everyone turns to stare at him.

“I beg your pardon?” the princess asks, confused.

“Allura, I’m not going to let you die. You — you can’t just sacrifice yourself. We’ve nearly brought peace to the universe after ten _thousand_ years. We found the Alteans. Your _people_ are still alive. You have so much to live for.”

He tries not to look at Lance at the last part. Keith has never been sure if Allura care for Lance _in that way._ Their relationship, springing forth scant weeks prior, had caught him off guard. It had always seemed like Allura saw Lance as she had Blaytz, the former Blue Paladin. A brother figure. But how Allura feels is none of his business, and all Keith wants is to see Lance happy. Everything else falls second.

Maybe that’s a large part of his protest now. 

It’s selfish, Keith knows — but they’ve been selfless and sacrificial for _far_ too long now, and no one more so than Allura. Don’t they deserve to be selfish, just this once? If there’s another way?

“Keith,” Allura says, and it’s almost as if she can read his thoughts. Their similarities go both ways, he supposes. “This is the _only_ way.”

“Is it?” he challenges, gaze locking with Honerva’s.

The Altean princess grows irritated now. “Of course it is. I'm the only one who can reconfigure the ship’s quintessence to heal the realities!”

“Honerva’s been to Oriande, too,” Pidge pipes up tentatively, and Keith is eternally grateful to the youngest Paladin.

“And your father has,” Keith says, gesturing.

Allura turns to catch sight of the figures appearing in the brilliant field of white — Zarkon, Gyrgan, Trigel, Blaytz, and….Alfor.

“Father,” Allura gasps, and tries to step towards him, but Alfor holds up a hand.

“I told you once that as leaders, we are called to make great sacrifices for the sake of our people,” the former Red Paladin says tenderly. “But, daughter — you are not the only one who can make those sacrifices. There is also wisdom in learning to let others do as they must.”

On the final words, Alfor’s sharp gaze flashes to Keith, and he knows the Altean king’s words are not solely meant for his daughter.

The Black Paladin straightens his shoulders and holds Alfor’s penetrating look. _This is my choice, and I’m holding to it_. 

_Won’t everything be better off this way?_

“But — what if it’s not enough?” Allura pleads. “This has _never_ been done before; we have no idea how much quintessence will be needed. My energy is much stronger than anyone else’s—”

“That’s not necessarily true,” Honerva mutters, golden eyes glancing at Keith.

“Wait, what’s that supposed to mean?” asks Hunk, looking confused.

“She means I’m the only half-human, half-Galra in our reality,” Keith says, finally voicing a suspicion he’s held for years, “and that gives me unique quintessence. It’s why I was so drawn to the Blue Lion, and partly why I could reach the astral plane so easily.”

Honerva nods. “Your abilities intrigued me. It seems you are more in tune with the world around you than most anyone else.”

“Keith...what are you saying?” Lance asks, speaking for the first time since everything began to spiral.

Keith looks around at these people who, by some ridiculous — miraculous? — twist of fate have become his family, his best friends. Every face is taut with apprehension, with _fear._

“I’m saying that _I’ll_ do it.” The words are sharp and bitter on his tongue, brimming with all the lost possibilities, all the abandoned dreams; all the could-haves, should-haves, would-haves. “I’ll go instead of Allura.”

But as much as it hurts, Keith is willing to sacrifice himself and his future. Because, somehow, he knows the universe needs Allura more than it needs him. It needs her brilliance and her kindness, her dedication and her compassion and her diplomacy. Allura is their _heart._

And Lance needs her, doesn’t he?

It seems like it.

And when he looks at it, it doesn’t seem like anyone particularly needs Keith Kogane. Not nearly as much as they need Allura.

“Keith—” Shiro begins, and Keith has cut him off before his heart can break.

“Please, Shiro. This is my choice. Respect it.”

He knows Shiro can understand this better than just about anyone. After all, his choice to go on the Kerberos mission has resulted in his own painful losses.

Keith doesn’t want to drag this out any longer than necessary. Maybe it’s because he’s worried his resolve will break, along with the lump in his throat that holds back the tears. There are still things to be said, however.

He gazes into each face, knowing he can never truly express his affection for each and every one of them.

“Thank you all,” Keith breathes, “for being my family.”

“Keith—” 

This time it’s Allura. He talks on.

“Matt has videos I recorded in case of...the worst. Shiro, tell...tell my mother I love her. And Lance” — the freckled boy’s bleak gaze locks with his, and Keith is vividly reminded of when he left Voltron the first time. _Who am I gonna make fun of?_ There is none of Lance’s former teasing on his face now. Keith bites back all those things he’s wanted to say to Lance for years — “take care of Kosmo for me?”

Lance — rival, partner, right-hand man, but never anything more — nods, and something eases in Keith’s chest. 

“It’s been an honor flying with you,” he says, recalling the words he said so long ago. The first time he had thought, with certainty, _this is the end._

(But oh, it was only the beginning, wasn’t it? Maybe this will be his beginning, too.)

And then he turns and walks into the light.

* * *

_“Shiro… I know I’ve told you before how grateful I am that you believed in me, but I’ll say it again. You were the person who taught me to have faith in myself, to succeed. You’re...you’re like a brother to me. No, you_ are _a brother to me. I love you.”_

* * *

_“Pidge, we all know you’ve got confidence in yourself — maybe a little too much sometimes, you gremlin — but I can see you’re going to go places we’ve never dreamed of reaching. Places we never dreamed existed. You’re going to do great things. And I guess I’m trying to say I’m already proud of you, for coming this far.”_

* * *

_“Allura, I just wanted to say thank you, because you’ve helped me see who I really am, and who I want to be. You’ve taught me how to accept myself. And if how you brought us all together in the beginning is any indication, you’re going to make this universe a peaceful, happy place someday.”_

* * *

_“Coran. You are the most outlandish person I’ve ever met...but I truly admire your dedication, your loyalty, and your confidence. You’re the glue of the Voltron coalition.”_

* * *

_“So, Hunk. I’m...I’m actually rerecording this video before we leave Earth, because I’ve gotten to know you so much better than before. I regret that it didn’t happen sooner. You’re so much stronger than anyone knows. You have the kindest heart I’ve ever met — and it takes courage to be caring. Don’t let this war take that away from you.”_

* * *

_“Lance…”_

* * *

It takes him six months before he can bring himself to watch the video. Lance feels like a coward, but every time he holds the small chip with his name scrawled onto it in Keith’s God-awful handwriting, a tidal wave of helplessness and guilt threatens to sweep him away.

He knows he’s being selfish — most of the beings Keith saved, spread across millions of realities, will never know about his sacrifice; and yet here Lance is, with a personal message from the Lion Warrior (as they’re calling him now, raising glasses across galaxies in his name, thanking him in hushed voices) and he can’t even bring himself to _watch._

Lance hates himself for that, sometimes.

He can’t bring himself to fly Red, either.

Until now.

The Red Lion’s cockpit feels familiar and alien at the same time. Like an old friend who has had something terrible happen to them, and now neither of you knows where to begin picking up the pieces.

“It’s been a while,” Lance murmurs, “hasn’t it, buddy?”

As he slides into the pilot’s seat, a low rumble reverberates up his spine. _Lonely._

“I know. I’m sorry. But I brought...something.”

Red prods at his mind, but the curiosity behind it is almost listless.

_Lonely._

“I miss him too.”

Red doesn’t answer, so Lance reaches into the pocket of his old jacket and draws out the small chip. The writing has been worn nearly to oblivion from his constant fingering. It makes his chest tighter, like he’s lost something immeasurably precious.

Six months. Has it only been six months?

He plugs the chip into Red’s console, and suddenly — there’s Keith, in all his emo, mullet-y glory, before him on the screen. Lance’s throat constricts, and a wave of grief — both from Red and from his own heart — washes over him.

Keith looks younger, a little smaller, less...grizzled. He’s wearing his Blade suit, the dark hood framing his face, and he doesn’t have his scar, so it must be before he returned to Team Voltron.

 _“Lance…”_ Keith begins, but trails off. He rubs a hand across his eyes. _“God, this is even worse than those vlogs Coran made us record.”_

Despite the tightness in his throat, Lance can’t help smiling. _Classic Keith._

Onscreen, Keith sighs. _“I didn’t know what to say then, and I don’t know what to say now. I...I never really know what to say.”_

Which really isn’t true, Lance thinks. Keith may have been rough and awkward and antisocial at times — but there were many other times when his reassuring words had pulled Lance back from one precipice or another. It is inexplicably saddening to think that he...that he hadn’t known.

 _“But I have to say something. A lot of things,”_ Keith continues, dark eyes flicking offscreen, as if he’s nervous about something. _“You...Lance….you’re…”_

A deep breath, before he continues.

_“For one thing, you’re an amazing pilot.”_

Lance blinks, astonished. This is not what he expected.

 _“I don’t know why you always felt like you needed to prove yourself — I guess, maybe no one has ever told you? But, Lance”_ — the earnesty in Keith’s tone _tugs_ at him — _“you’re one of the best pilots I’ve ever seen. Probably better than me”_ (Lance snorts) _“because at least you don’t do as much crazy shit as I do.”_

An unexpected laugh bubbles from Lance’s mouth, which he quickly stifles. _How can I laugh at this?_ he wonders. _Keith is — is gone, and I’m laughing at his last words to me?_

A chastening rumble from Red rolls up his spine.

“Yeah, I know—” Lance says, but a barrage of thoughts from his Lion silences him. 

Warm thoughts. Thoughts of Lance grinning, laughing, teasing. All suffused with fondness enough to make Lance tingle.

 _Happy_ , Red tells him. Keith liked when Lance was happy. When he smiled.

Which is honestly a difficult revelation to process under any circumstance, but Lance doesn’t even have time to consider it, because Keith is still talking.

_“There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now, but I...well. I was a coward. I’m still terrified, and this isn’t even face-to-face. I guess that makes it worse, in some ways.”_

As he says this, his thumb rubs methodically over the fingers of his clenched fist. It’s something Keith always did when he was anxious, and Lance’s brow furrows in confusion.

The recording continues, barreling on towards some unseen precipice; some point of no return.

 _“I never said anything because you — it always seemed like...you and Allura…”_ Keith growls in annoyance and shakes a lock of hair out of his eyes. _“I’m in love with you, Lance.”_

Wait.

_What._

_“I don’t know when it started. Maybe it was when I realized I’d leave the team for you…”_

_For me?_

_“...Maybe it was after you almost died on Arus…”_

_Was_ that _why you harped on the “bonding moment”?_

_“Maybe it was before that. Maybe it was back at the Garrison.”_

Every new sentence is a bombshell to Lance, shattering the way he’d thought things had been and reforming it into something entirely new. Something that is almost enough to make him sick.

Keith had been in love with him, but had never breathed a _word_ . Not even when Lance had come to him with all his doubts and reservations about dating Allura. He’d never said anything, because Lance had _liked_ and _flirted with_ and _dated_ Allura.

_Was...was that why he took Allura’s place?_

Because of _Lance_?

Something inside Lance is twisting tighter and tighter, ever more fragile, and he is terrified that it will break and pierce him with a thousand guilty shards.

Because he and Allura aren’t even _together_ anymore. They’d ended things officially _months_ ago — unofficially, even before that. As Coalition leader and the new ruler of Altea, overseeing the rebuilding of an entire planet and the mass relocation of its people, Allura had had enough on her hands without constantly having to visit Earth _just_ to see Earth, and Lance had wanted to stay on Earth. At least, for a time. Their hearts just...weren’t in it.

 _“I think, perhaps, we might be better as friends,”_ she’d said, squeezing his hand. Her smile was tinged with melancholy acceptance. Something akin to relief had washed over him.

And Lance agreed.

Maybe he’s known for a long time, but just refused to see it — maybe it took until recently. Either way, Allura is right; they’re far better off as friends.

After the conversation, they had hugged, and stars above, it was like a heavy weight lifted from his chest.

But now, after all of this — Keith died in Allura’s stead because...because he thought Lance was really in love with her. It hurts.

Stars, _it hurts so much._ Keith saved every reality — every single damn reality — voluntarily, because he loved Lance. And Lance…

_I couldn’t even find the decency to watch this message until half a year later._

The recording is still playing, and Lance clings to Red’s handles like a buoy in a storm-tossed ocean.

 _“I know this is something I should tell you in person, or...not at all, but...I didn’t want to force anything on you.”_ Keith runs a distracted hand through his hair, shoving the hood of his Blade suit back onto his shoulders. 

_“I’m being selfish. Everything about this is selfish,”_ he huffs. _“If you’re watching this, then I’m gone, and that just makes it worse. I’m just dumping this on you, and not giving you a chance to say or do anything. But...I couldn’t live with myself if I never told you...one way or another. Maybe I’ll tell you in person, if we make it out of this.”_

And God, doesn’t Lance wish it could have been the other way.

The footage ends, flickering and winking out, a star snuffed out in the darkness of space, and Lance is left alone in Red’s cockpit, lost and unmoored in an ocean of unexplored emotions with a salt-spray of tears slipping down his cheeks.

Silence reigns as the seconds trickle into minutes, maybe — hours? Lance isn’t sure of anything anymore.

Finally, he asks, “Did you know?”

Emotions roll from Red, something akin to a sigh. Lance glimpses a flash of the memories, the feelings there, and he knows. Of course Red had known. How could he — _she_ , then — not have known? Of all the Paladin-Lion bonds, Keith and Red had always seemed like the most tightly-knit. It was part of why Lance had been so shocked when Red called for him during the months after they lost Shiro.

“I wish he’d told me,” Lance chokes, gripping at Red’s handles so tightly they dig into his palms painfully. “Red, I want him back. _I want him back.”_

He shakes as a sob wracks his body, and all he can think of is the _unfairness_. Lance had _liked Keith,_ but Allura was always easier to flirt with, to be with, and then Keith had _left —_ and he had done it because of Lance? He had the perfect chance, and he fucked it up like he does with everything else in his life.

Lance wants to scream, to rage, to punch something, but there’s nothing. Nothing but him and Red and his regrets.

And then it happens.

Red purrs, a surge of excitement pouring through him, and a shimmering red trail streaks through his mind, unspooling like a ribbon of red thread as it winds away into the unknown. It _tugs_ at him, and Lance longs to go, to follow it.

 _Alive,_ Red murmurs in his head. _Alive, alive, alive._

Lance’s eyes widen as he understands. _Could it be…?_

“Red,” he says weakly, hands shaking, voice hoarse. “Red, is he…?”

The cockpit creaks and shakes as Red jerks from his six-month sitting position, metal claws no doubt gouging deep grooves into the metal of his platform on Altea. Allura’s going to kill him, but Lance is beyond caring, because somewhere out there, _Keith is alive._

They had hoped, for the first few weeks (months even) that Keith would just — show up. Come sailing in on another ancient pod with some new motley assortment of creatures, like last time. Eventually, even Shiro had given up. They’d erected a monument for him, on the cliffs where he had driven them over a precipice and started the entire adventure. But there had always been an element of uncertainty tingeing how things had ended in that glaring white place, the beginning that felt more like an end. It had never been done before. Who said it had to require death?

Apparently, it didn’t. Apparently Keith is still out there, and Lance is going to traverse every planet, every galaxy, every universe until he finds him. He’s going to hunt down Bob and shake him by his lapels until he tells him where Keith is if he has to.

“Red, send a comm to Allura. Tell her I’m sorry, and I don’t know when I’ll be back,” Lance says, gripping at Red’s controls with renewed strength. His Lion rumbles in agreement.

Lance grins, truly smiling for the first time in months. He feels hopeful. He feels alive.

“Let’s go, Red.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find my perpetually angsty self on [tumblr](https://zannatinuviel.tumblr.com/), [twitter](https://twitter.com/zannolin), and [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/zannolin/)!


End file.
